2020 Cinema Shame Statement: So This Time It’s Totally Serial

2020 Cinema Shame Statement: So This Time It’s Totally Serial

For the uninitiated, Cinema Shame is site that emboldens cinephiles to finally watch those nagging classics pinging the back of your brain every time you ask yourself “What am I going to watch tonight?” Our diet doesn’t need to be a steady stream of certified Grade-A classics, but we also shouldn’t be afraid of them. I also host the podcast that gives viewers the opportunity to share their thoughts about how these movies stand the test of time and hype. Every year Penitent Moviewatchers create a new Cinema Shame Statement to help direct their viewing schedule.

I’ve done a Cinema Shame Statement or two over the years and my 2019 has the rare distinguish of being the only one I ignored for the duration. Congrats, 2019, you’re totally shameful! It’s not that I was a lazy moviewatcher (Letterboxd tells me otherwise), I just got sidetracked by #Watch1989. And for the uninitiated, #Watch1989 was my year-long marathon of movies released in – that’s right – 1989. I watched more than 70 1989 movies, first-timers and rewatches included.

For this year’s Cinema Shame Statement, I’m going to try a slightly different method that helps direct my monthly moviewatching trends (but also makes that DVD/BD watchpile a little less embarrassing). I tend to get sucked into self-inflicted marathons and really enjoy sticking with a theme… it prevents me from staring at my library for hours on end wondering what to watch next.

Once again I consulted my favorite tomes: EW Guide / The Best Film You’ve Never Seen / Danny Peary’s Cult Movies. And away we go….

2020 Shame Statement consultants

Three of my go-to books for finding movies I should have watched by now.

Theme #1: Unwatched Criterions

I love buying movies almost as much as I love watching movies. (Okay, we’ll call it a draw.) The flaw inherent to the system is that it takes me much less time to buy movies than it does to watch them. Hence, I have a lot of Criterion Collection discs I had every intention of watching… at some point… in the near-to-immediate future. I plan to watch at least one of these beauties per month. After consulting EW’s surprisingly non-traditional lists in The Greatest Movies Ever Made, I selected 12 candidates I already have in my possession.

2020 cinema shame statement

Blow Out (Brian de Palma, 1981) – #85 Drama
Detour (Edgar G. Ulmer, 1945) – #91 Drama
Local Hero (Bill Forsyth, 1983) – #28 Comedy
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (Russ Meyer, 1970) – #96 Comedy
The Man Who Fell to Earth (Nicolas Roeg, 1976) – #55 Sci-Fi
Don’t Look Now (Nicolas Roeg, 1973) – #65 Horror
Kagemusha (Akira Kurosawa, 1980) – #80 Int’l
Fellini’s Satyricon (Federico Fellini, 1969) – #11 Int’l
Viridiana (Luis Bunuel, 1961) – #26 Int’l
Ikiru (Akira Kurosawa, 1952) – #23 Int’l
One Eyed-Jacks (Marlon Brando, 1961) – Sleepers
High & Low (Akira Kurosawa, 1963) – Sleepers

Theme #2: #Watch1990

I won’t tackle #Watch1990 with the same zeal as #Watch1989 because the movies aren’t nearly as good and honestly I’ve seen a much larger percentage. I turned 12 in 1990 and I could walk to the Woods 6 in Grosse Pointe just about whenever the mood stuck me. A moment ago I scanned the list of Top 50 moneymakers from 1990 and I’d seen 48 of them (only Internal Affairs and Child’s Play II missed the bus and I’m not in a hurry to see the latter. Talk to me again during October). I really had nothing else to do, apparently. Here are Internal Affairs and 11 others that I missed. There’s some rhyme and reason to the movies below — except Side Out. I have no explanation for choosing that. Some movies just cry out for attention.

Cry-Baby 1990

Internal Affairs (Mike Figgis, 1990)
Where the Heart Is (John Boorman, 1990)
Love at Large (Alan Rudolph, 1990)
The Ambulance (Larry Cohen, 1990)
Side Out (Peter Israelson, 1990)
Cry-Baby (John Waters, 1990)
Blue Steel (Kathryn Bigelow, 1990)
I Love You to Death (Lawrence Kasdan, 1990)
Chicago Joe and the Showgirl (Bernard Rose, 1990)
Henry & June (Philip Kaufman, 1990)
Avalon (Barry Levinson, 1990)
State of Grace (Phil Joanou, 1990)

Theme #3: Taking Care of (Old) Business

I’ve seen that James Belushi classic from 1990 a few times, but it seemed thematically relevant to this 2020 Cinema Shame Statement. If we are unable to keep our word, there’s nothing separating us from the beasts who think that the only stuff worth watching is on Netflix. That might be overly dramatic. I’m just saying that I’m going to atone for the sins of my Cinema Shames past. These are the movies I promised to watch over the previous years and just never did…

The Conversation 1974

Dangerous Liaisons (Stephen Frears, 1988)
The Verdict (Sidney Lumet, 1982)
Aquirre, The Wrath of God (Werner Herzog, 1972)
Can’t Stop the Music (Nancy Walker, 1980)
The Last Waltz (Martin Scorcese, 1978)
Cinema Paradiso (Giuseppe Tornatore, 1988)
Victor/Victoria (Blake Edwards, 1982)
Tarzan the Ape Man (W.S. Van Dyke, 1932) & Tarzan and His Mate (Cedric Gibbons, 1934)
Patton (Franklin J. Schaffner, 1970)
Shane (George Stevens, 1953)
She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (John Ford, 1949)
The Right Stuff (Philip Kaufman, 1983)
The Bellboy (Jerry Lewis, 1960)
The Conversation (Francis Ford Coppola, 1974)

…and… it wouldn’t be a Cinema Shame list without the empty promise to watch…

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (John McNaughton, 1990)

 

That’s a lot of goddamn movies. Own up, friends. Let’s make a promise to watch some excellent movies in 2020. Not much is going right in the world, but we can definitely tend our own gardens, watch great movies and talk about them on the Internet.

5th Annual 30/007Hertz 2019 First-Watch Hertzie Award Nominations

5th Annual 30/007Hertz 2019 First-Watch Hertzie Award Nominations

The Academy released the Oscar nominations this morning. It’s not much of a surprise that we’re all a little agitated. I won’t go into the gory details, but it’s a bit of a JOKE(r) that not one woman was nominated for director considering the amazing films the females of our species produced this year.

And since the Oscar nods dropped, that also means it’s time for the 2019 First-Watch Hertzie Awards. In case you’re just catching the Hertzie bug for this first time this year, these are my own personal commendations for excellence. It doesn’t matter when the movie dropped, it only matters that I watched it between January 1st and December 31st of 2019.

I’ve consulted my @Letterboxd diary for all the relevant statistics to make this journey more enlightening. I watched 234 movies this year — which is a down year for me. What was I doing besides watching movies? I have no idea. I tried to read more. Tried. Maybe they were all just longer movies. (Don’t do the math.) After compiling my list of nominations, one thing is clear: I watched a lot of movies from 1989… because #Watch1989.

The Academy Awards aren’t bothering with a host again this year, but Myrna Loy has agreed to return for her 5th consecutive Hertzie hosting gig and I promise there won’t be any 5-time Ricky Gervais Golden Globe scorched earth histrionics. Nothing but class in this ceremony. Class and booze.

First, links to all prior nominations and ceremonies: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015

myrna loy

 

Now presenting the 5th Annual First-Watch Hertzie Award Nominations.

(Prior-year winners now appear on the nomination banners.)

 

Favorite Supporting Actress:

Pam Grier, Scream Blacula Scream (1973)
Anjelica Huston, Seraphim Falls (2006)
Ida Lupino, Road House (1948)
Michelle Pfeiffer, The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989)
Madonna, Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Dorothy Malone, The Nevadan (1950)

**WINNER** — Ida Lupino, Road House (1948)

Commentary: Is it possible to say that this category features five surprise nominations plus Michelle Pfeiffer? Thus, if all most are surprises who were the front-runners? Personally, I have no idea. Some of these women contest that they were more “leading lady” material, but those women should know that they’re here because they didn’t stand a chance in the Best Actress category, which features a f’ing powerhouse lineup. 

 

Favorite Supporting Actor:

Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)
The Horse, People in the Summer Night (1948)
Michael Caine, Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Brad Pitt, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood (2019)
Wesley Snipes, Dolemite Is My Name (2019)
Billy Zane, Dead Calm (1989)

**WINNER** — Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)

Commentary: The Hertzies have been known to dish out nominations for inanimate and animal actors. “The Horse” should just be happy to receive the nomination, but we can’t wait for the reaction shot when someone else wins in February. Since I doubt many of you have seen People in the Summer Night, you’ll just have to trust me when I say he steals the entire movie. Billy Zane? The guy from Critters? And that Michael Caine nomination is ironic right? Can you do irony in awards shows?

 

Favorite Actor:

John Barrymore, Counsellor At Law (1933)
Taron Edgerton, Rocketman (2019)
William Holden, Wild Rovers (1971)
George O’Brien, Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)
Tyrone Power, Nightmare Alley (1947)
Denzel Washington, The Mighty Quinn (1989)

**WINNER** – John Barrymore, Counsellor At Law (1933)

Commentary: A silent, a musical, a western, a noir, a Caribbean murder mystery and a pre-code drama walk into a bar. There’s no punch line. 

 

Favorite Actress:

Roseanna Arquette, Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Janet Gaynor, Sunrise: Song of Two Humans (1927)
Edwige Fenech, All the Colors of the Dark (1972)
Emily Lloyd, In Country (1989)
Melissa McCarthy, Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)
Samara Weaving, Ready Or Not (2019)

**WINNER** — Samara Weaving, Ready Or Not (2019)

Commentary: I thought you called this “a powerhouse lineup” earlier? I’m seeing two scream queens, a comedian, an Arquette, another silent performance, and 19-year-old Emily Lloyd. 

 

Favorite Adapted Screenplay

Hampton Fancher, The Mighty Quinn (1989)
Jules Furthman, Nightmare Alley
Nicole Holfcener and Jeff Whitty, Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)
Roy Huggins, Pushover (1948)
Kurt Luedtke, Out of Africa (1985)
Elmer Rice, Counsellor At Law (1933)

**WINNER** — Nicole Holfcener and Jeff Whitty, Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)

Commentary: There were screenplays for some of these? And wait? Out of Africa? 

 

Favorite Original Screenplay:


Leora Barish, Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Scott Glosserman and David J. Stieve, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
Emily Halpern, Sarah Haskins, etc. Booksmart (2019)
Rian Johnson, Knives Out (2019)
Joseph Minion, Vampire’s Kiss (1989)
Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood (2019)

**WINNER** — Leora Barish, Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)

Commentary: Multiple female screenwriters? You must be insane.

 

Favorite Director:

Bradley Cooper, A Star is Born (2018)
Blake Edwards, Wild Rovers (1971)
F.W. Murnau, Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)
Susan Seidelman, Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood (2019)
Oliva Wilde, Booksmart (2019)

**WINNER** — F.W. Murnau, Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

Commentary: That Bradly Cooper nomination comes out of absolutely nowhere and you’ve never seen a category with both Olivia Wilde and F.W. Murnau and that feels special. 

 

Favorite Picture:

Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)
Counsellor At Law (1933)
Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
Pushover (1954)
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans (1927)

**WINNER** — Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)

Commentary: A Favorite Picture category that spans 1927 through 2018? I don’t know what to make of these nominations, but I love it. The early front-runner has to be Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, but all those Desperately Seeking Susan nominations… 

 

Favorite B-Picture:

All the Colors of the Dark (1972)
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
A Bucket of Blood (1959)
Dead Calm (1989)
Earth Girls Are Easy (1989)
Vampire’s Kiss (1989)

**WINNER** — A Bucket of Blood (1959)

Commentary: You still don’t know what to do with this category and that’s fine. It just feels like a dumping ground for movies that you couldn’t justify as the best best — the ones you’re too ashamed to throw your entire support behind but deserve the love. But Earth Girls Are Easy? Really? You couldn’t do better than that? Nominations elsewhere suggest a frontrunner or two, but this is the B-Picture category so all bets are futile. 

Good luck to all of our 2019 First-Watch Hertzie Award Nominees! The winners will be announced the evening of the 2020 Academy Awards on February 9th.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989): The Five Movies of Christmas

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989): The Five Movies of Christmas

Like many households, the Patrick family has their own traditional holiday rituals. We have our stockings and tree ornaments, our exterior light decorations, Mexican aniseed cookies, opening one present on Christmas Eve, essential Christmas Records — but the one we cherish the most is our annual Christmas movie marathon. Each of these five must be watched before the clock strikes midnight on Christmas Day. I’ll count them down now until Christmas.

On the first day of Christmas my reel love gave to me… The Shop Around the Corner (1940)

On the second day of Christmas my reel love gave gave to me…

Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo - Christmas Vacation (1989)

Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

The Five Movies of Christmas: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation didn’t actually become the essential Christmas movie in my household until I had children. I enjoyed it, certainly. And watched the John Hughes-penned comedy once in awhile around the holidays. It just wasn’t until I had children myself that I completely and totally identified with Clark Griswold.

Not with the need to spot my house from orbit (though the intricacies of our outdoor decorations certainly increased alongside toddler napping). And not even with the size and eccentricities of my immediate family. Both sides of the family tree boast a share of unique characters, but unlike Cousin Eddie they don’t happen to drop by because everyone’s scattered across the country from Santa Fe to Wisconsin, Georgia to New York. Occasionally Christmas gets lively, but we’ve never roasted cats or chased squirrels or exploded chemical toilets.

Clark Griswold in the National Lampoon’s Vacation films is every man. His intentions are pure, even when the go astray. His aim always a “good old fashioned family Christmas.”

Christmas Vacation family dinner

The Griswolds all seated around the Christmas table.

We all want Christmas to run smoothly. It never does. We hold it together as best we can. Sometimes we succeed. Family’s always most important, even when you absolutely 100% cannot stand the sight of any of them.

The scene that now stands out for me — actually two scenes — but we’ll start with the one that provides the emotional backbone of the entire movie. Clark, trapped in his attic after the family has gone shopping, discovers a box full of old family film as he digs around for old clothes to keep him warm. He loads up the film reels and watches his childhood Christmases huddled underneath clothes once belonging to elder family members. Certainly sappy. I’m sure I glossed over that scene as a kid waiting for more terrible things to happen to Todd and Margot next door.

national lampoon's christmas vacation christmas eve

The Christmas Eve cacophony reaches a crescendo in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Today, however, that scene makes Christmas Vacation more than just “tolerating” family. It’s the scene that remind Clark and all of us that these are the moments we’ll remember and cherish as long as we live. Even if every single one of these goddamn people drives us insane.

So when Christmas Vacation reaches its second emotional crescendo — when Christmas Eve goes totally, irrevocably wrong — and Clark screams “Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?” it’s not the ravings of a soulless patriarch. It’s the ravings of a patriarch who’s been reminded how much each moment horrible, wonderful moment matters. This is Chevy Chase’s greatest line reading in the history of his career, by the way, and I say that as a devoted, obsessive fan of Three Amigos!, Caddyshack and Fletch.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy holidays. Remember to cherish the lunatics in your own life.

christmas vacation poster art

Christmas Vacation poster art by Barrett Chapman.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is available everywhere. If for some reason you don’t have a copy of your own, you’ll find no shortage of ways to watch this classic during the holidays including Amazon Streaming, Netflix DVD service,

James David Patrick is a writer. He’s written just about everything at some point or another. Add whatever this is to that list. He hosts the Cinema Shame and #Bond_age_Pod podcasts. Follow his blog at www.thirtyhertzrumble.com and find him on TwitterInstagram, and Facebook

Disclaimer: I earn rewards from DVD.Netflix.com, which has thousands of movies to choose from, many that you won’t find on streaming services. I do this because the availability of physical media is important. The popular streaming notion of “everything available all the time” is a myth. We are always our own best curators. #PhysicalMedia #DVDNation #ad

 

 

The Shop Around the Corner (1940): The Five Movies of Christmas

The Shop Around the Corner (1940): The Five Movies of Christmas

Like many households, the Patrick family has their own traditional holiday rituals. We have our stockings and tree ornaments, our exterior light decorations, Mexican aniseed cookies, opening one present on Christmas Eve, essential Christmas Records — but the one we cherish the most is our annual Christmas movie marathon. Each of these five must be watched before the clock strikes midnight on Christmas Day. I’ll count them down now until Christmas.

On the first day of Christmas my reel love gave gave to me…

Jimmy Stewart peers into the window at Margaret Sullavan in The Shop Around the Corner

Jimmy Stewart peers into the window at Margaret Sullavan as he prepares for the iconic “zinger” scene.

The Five Movies of Christmas: The Shop Around the Corner (1940)

Confession: I hadn’t seen The Shop Around the Corner when I first watched You’ve Got Mail (1999). That third Tom Hanks / Meg Ryan coupling represented one of the earliest dates I went on with my wife. Despite my obsession with Jimmy Stewart I’d just not seen it. Consider this a formative proto-Cinema Shame moment. We rented Shop from a local video store in Atlanta and fell in love with Jimmy Stewart’s prickly retorts to Margaret Sullavan’s zingers. As the influences for Nora Ephron’s You’ve Got Mail script came to light, it also somehow improved how I felt about the technology age remake.

meg ryan and tom hanks in You've Got Mail (1999)

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in Nora Ephron’s You’ve Got Mail (1999).

That’s not to say that I didn’t or don’t enjoy You’ve Got Mail. I stand by the assertion that the film gets a bad rap because it’s compared directly to Sleepless in Seattle or The Shop Around the Corner. Or because people just enjoy mocking its inept, late 90s technological showcase. That said, our shared affection for both films placed each in regular rotation. You’ve Got Mail became one of my wife’s anytime movies and The Shop Around the Corner became our first Christmas staple. We had brought this movie into our lives together.

The film itself is a wonderfully constructed confection. A combination of Lubitsch’s nuanced dialogue and the cast’s ability to make every moment feel spontaneous. Beyond the leads of Jimmy Stewart and Margaret Sullavan, the supporting cast crackles with energy. Joseph Schildkraut hiding every time Mr. Matuschek wants “an honest opinion.” William Tracy’s errand boy acting above his station, punctuated by that final searing call to abuse Mrs. Matuschek for her infidelity and incessant demands. Steady Frank Morgan’s wavering affection for Jimmy Stewart as he succumbs to his unfounded suspicions.

Decorating the window against their will for Christmas in The Shop Around the Corner.

Like the goods in Matuschek and Co.’s ever-changing window displays, Lubitsch showcases optimism and human empathy. There’s a genuine affection for these characters and among these characters — except when they undermine the natural order of goodness. Christmas serves as a medium for the commercial ambitions of the working-class store, but also provides the backdrop for connection. The friendship between Stewart’s Alfred Kralik and Schildkraut’s Vadas. The unrealized love between Kralik and Sullavan’s Klara Novak. The professional respect for Mr. Matuschek.

If there’s a weak link it might be Sullavan, who’s always just a step behind Jimmy. She’s too abrasive without Meg Ryan’s charming pluck to soften her attack. She brings something else to the story, however, that sets her and The Shop Around the Corner apart. Klara’s made mistakes in her life. Ernst Lubitsch’s script alludes to this missteps without a roll call. She’s damaged and fragile and desperately looking for the attractive, sensitive, intelligent man who has eluded her. A simple, undamaged woman would not have bothered with a plea for something as basic as a simple human connection in a newspaper. For that maybe we can forgive her for making that crack about Jimmy Stewart being bowlegged.

The Shop Around the Corner DVD is OOP, but you’ll find no shortage of ways to watch this classic during the holidays including Amazon Streaming, Netflix DVD service, and as a bonus disc with the You’ve Got Mail Blu-ray.

shop around the corner poster

 

James David Patrick is a writer. He’s written just about everything at some point or another. Add whatever this is to that list. He hosts the Cinema Shame and #Bond_age_Pod podcasts. Follow his blog at www.thirtyhertzrumble.com and find him on TwitterInstagram, and Facebook

Disclaimer: I earn rewards from DVD.Netflix.com, which has thousands of movies to choose from, many that you won’t find on streaming services. I do this because the availability of physical media is important. The popular streaming notion of “everything available all the time” is a myth. We are always our own best curators. #PhysicalMedia #DVDNation #ad

 

Lock Up (1989): #Watch1989

Lock Up (1989): #Watch1989

Lock Up original film art

Lock Up (1989)

Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere.

As I watched my latest 1989 film, Lock Up, I began contemplating the future of the #Watch1989 enterprise. According to the original tenants of the program, my 1989 movie marathon would conclude on December 31st, 2019. At that time, however, I anticipated having felt some sense of closure. I’d have watched a few dozen movies from 1989, discovered some gems along the way and completed a handful of chapters (all of them?) in the manuscript about the Summer of 1989. Alas, reality has clubbed me upside the head as I’ve taken stock of my year of #Watch1989.

I’ve watched around 65 movies from that great year. But there’s so many left to watch. I’ve barely scratched the surface. I’ve discovered some gems, but I also still have a bunch on my “must-watch” list that just haven’t been handled. I still haven’t seen My Left Foot, for example, and that’s a problem. Don’t talk about the manuscript. I got a new freelance job a few months ago and I’ve been struggling to make time with my own writing. So I went ahead and devoted a sleepless evening hyped up on non-drowsy antihistamines to watch Sylvester Stallone’s Lock Up (1989) which had just arrived from Netflix DVD.

Maybe I don’t need to put an expiration date on this, after all…

Netflix DVD Lock Up

Netflix DVD, those fine distributors of physical media, came through with a copy of LOCK UP, delivered to my door.

A Sylvester Stallone movie from the 1980s that I hadn’t seen? I suspect foul play based on reputation. Indeed, I’d never bothered with Lock Up due to it’s less than stellar reputation. And by less than stellar, I mean steaming pile of prison-cell fungus. That said, I’m still surprised I’d somehow sidestepped the movie entirely considering I watched everything indiscriminately during the late 1980’s.

While Lock Up plays like a stripped down Escape Plan (2013) prequel, it has the distinct benefit of featuring Stallone without a shred of self-awareness and a nefarious prison warden played by Donald Sutherland. Both hit all the predictable, necessary, and occasionally delicious 1980’s cinema beats. The result is a film that adheres to an outdated model of filmmaking, the delusional B-movie that masquerades as top-flight entertainment. We love the 1980s and the 1980s loves us back with entertaining mid-budget refuse like this.

Sylvester Stallone Lock Up

Sylvester Stallone confronts the bully (Sonny Landham) trying to take his lunch money in Lock Up (1989).

Shackle Your Disbelief

If we are to go along with Lock Up‘s absurd premise, we have to accept a series of absurd events that take place even before the events of this film. Sylvester Stallone’s Frank retaliated against a bunch of goons that beat the owner of the body shop in which he worked. That he was then incarcerated for a very long time and eventually escaped said prison because the warden (Donald Sutherland) committed unspeakable acts against his inmates. Instead of being fired, the warden gets reassigned to a hellhole maximum security prison where his further misdeeds can go even more unnoticed. The warden also exists in a prison system that would then somehow permit the transfer of the prisoner (from a minimum security facility) back into his custody.

I understand that our penal system is a shit show, (I read the New York Times and am therefore m’f’ing informed), but even this stretches the limits of the imagination.

Donald Sutherland Lock Up

Donald Sutherland as Lock Up’s evil Warden Drumgoole.

Warden Drumgoole launches an initiative to break Frank and cause him to do something that would result in his life imprisonment at his maximum security hellhole. He employs inmates to bully, intimidate, bait and torture Frank. He throws him in solitary whenever possible. I won’t reveal the straw that finally breaks Frank’s back, but it’s absolutely despicable. The lengths to which Drumgoole will go, give the film its only sense of surprise. Let’s face it. We know Frank’s going to get out. We know that somehow Sylvester Stallone is going to mug and grunt his way to freedom. The twist comes during the final act when you think just maaaaaybeeeee the Warden’s finally snared the fly in his web — and yet Sly evades him yet again. How he manages to escape an unwinnable scenario might also require some more suspension of disbelief (if you haven’t already exhausted it).

And you might shed a tear at what they do to a newly refurbished classic mustang.

Sylvester Stallone

Frank (Sylvester Stallone) picked the wrong day to quit knocking heads.

Lock Up Verdict

The director, John Flynn, made a name for himself making gritty 1970’s neo-noir like The Outfit (1973) and Rolling Thunder (1977). After a slow period to begin the 80’s, he wound up directing Lock Up and Out for Justice, a far cry from the kind of freedom he had been afforded.

Despite the intermittently laughable melodrama that speckles the Lock Up landscape, the movie finds it limited range and delivers a watchable exercise in “giving the bad guy what’s coming to him.” Stallone suffers constant physical and emotional torture — some of it rather undigestible and viscerally unnerving.

The supporting cast gives more than the movie’s worth — the cast of familiars like Tom Sizemore, Frank McRae and John Amos carry some of sly’s Sly acting burden. Oddly, when Stallone faces off against Donald Sutherland, their give and take styles (constant overt vs. underperformed rage) fit together like puzzle piece that someone mashed into place. It doesn’t work, but it kinda does if you don’t look too close — much like the entire movie.

If you’re the kind of person that enjoys Sylvester Stallone vanity projects for all the wrong reasons, you’ll definitely have some fun with Lock Up.

Check out some past #Watch1989 write-ups: Sea of Love / Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure / The Experts

Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone strikes a statuesque pose in Lock Up (1989)

James David Patrick is a writer. He’s written just about everything at some point or another. Add whatever this is to that list. He hosts the Cinema Shame and #Bond_age_Pod podcasts. Follow his blog at www.thirtyhertzrumble.com and find him on TwitterInstagram, and Facebook.

Disclaimer: I earn rewards from DVD.Netflix.com, which has thousands of movies to choose from, many that you won’t find on streaming services. I do this because the availability of physical media is important. The popular streaming notion of “everything available all the time” is a myth. We are always our own best curators. #PhysicalMedia #DVDNation #ad

Hooptober Roundup: Double Time Recap

Hooptober Roundup: Double Time Recap

Between a glut of paying gigs, vacation, and holidays I’ve managed to stretch Hooptober into the Christmas season. That’s a first. Nobody’s reading because we’ve all moved on to the traditional “Die Hard is/isn’t a Christmas Movie” debate. That’s fine, too. I made a commitment to watch and review 31+ Horror Movies for the month of October. I’ve watched them all. Now here are the remaining reviews, told in hurried, one-paragraph fashion to satisfy your ho-ho-horror cravings.

#19. The Mummy (1932) – Karl Freund

the mummy 1932

Karl Freund’s wrangles light and shadow like he’s applying it with a paint brush. The love story that traverses multiple lifetimes gives this one its dramatic weight and Karloff’s undead love monster his humanizing baggage. I’d recommend The Mummy in any master class about using cinematography to cure all narrative ills.

 

#20. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) – James Whale

Elsa Lanchester in The Bride of Frankenstein

Elsa Lanchester as The Monster’s Bride in The Bride of Frankenstein (1935).

I’ve always thought that the people who don’t appreciate James Whale’s The Bride of Frankenstein don’t see the humor in The Bride of Frankenstein. It’s a tale skillfully told — but it’s Whale’s ability to comment on the genre from within (something he did more overtly in The Old Dark House) that makes the film such a brisk romp.

 

#21. The Mummy’s Hand (1940) – Christy Cabanne

Hooptober The Mummy's Hand (1940)

Universal’s Mummy series loved to cut narrative corners. This constant familiarity allows the viewer to embrace each film’s eccentricities or dismiss them entirely as hack regurgitations without creative advancement. The Mummy’s Hand borrows the setup and footage from Freund’s 1932 effort but adds enough padding to make it feel fresh (enough). Easy to enjoy. Easy to forget tomorrow.

 

#22. Captive Wild Woman (1943) – Edward Dmytryk

Aquanetta in Captive Wild Woman (1943)

Aquanetta, mid-transformation, in Captive Wild Woman (1943)

The Universal well had clearly run dry when they conjured this pathetic excuse to transform another human into another animal. But but but this time it’s a woman! The horror elements become secondary concerns. The movie spends an inordinate amount of time engaging in animal cruelty and disturbing racial connotations. If there were something here more worth watching we’d have something to discuss.

 

Liliane Montevecchi in The Living idol (1957)

Parisian-born Liliane Montevecchi thinks she sees Jaguars around every corner in The Living idol (1957)

#23. The Living Idol (1957) – Albert Lewin, Rene Cardona

Gorgeous-looking Aztecploitation, oozing in Technicolor and wide-format location cinematography, but lacking anything in the story department. A woman may or may not be the reincarnation of an Aztec princess and jaguars may or may not be coming for her. This loose remake of Lewton’s Cat People gives us just enough to keep watching but not enough to distract us from the backdrop. Co-directed by the Cuban-born Rene Cardona — a central figure in the Golden Age of Mexican Cinema.

 

#24. Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971) – Dario Argento

Hooptober Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971)

One of the few prime-era Argento holdouts on my viewing resume. Some wonderful imagery, visually inventive flourishes and a memorable Ennio Morricone score undermined by a predictable twist. I’m itching for another viewing despite its flaws.

 

#25. All the Colors of the Dark (1972) – Sergio Martino

Hooptober All the Colors of the Dark

Sergio Martino directed perhaps my favorite mindf#ck giallo Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (also starring the perpetually vexing Edwige Fenech). I picked this up during the last Severin Black Friday sale and I’ve been waiting all year (for no especially good reason) to watch it during Hooptober 2019. Perpetually needy and terrified Edwige finds herself stuck in a mental state between fact and fiction, unable to escape the grasp of a Satanic rape cult. Don’t attempt to strangle narrative from this psychosexual satanic panic film told through the perspective of an unreliable narrator. Just let the misdirection wash over you like Bruno Nicolai’s score.

 

#26. Leptirica (1973) – ?or?e Kadijevi?

Hooptober Leptirica

Mirjana Nikolic as the “She-Butterfly” in Djordje Kadijevic’s Leptirica (1973)

Just another made-for-TV Serbian folk horror film. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. A vampire-like menace attacks people in and around an old mill. No explanations given. Awkward light humor and a haunting and singular score. A few truly memorable images give Leptirica aka The She-Butterfly her bite.

 

#27. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) – Renny Harlin

Hooptober A Nightmare on Elm Street 4

I feel like “perfectly capable” is a solid recommendation for any horror sequel with a number greater than or equal to 4. In this entry Freddy Krueger becomes a nightmare wielding clown, but still retains the menace that made the original such an effective horror movie. What The Dream Master lacks in thrills, it makes up for with inventive kills and set pieces. Lisa Wilcox gives us an engaging protagonist that helps smooth over some of the hackneyed plotting.

 

#28. Vampire’s Kiss (1989) – Robert Bierman

Nicolas Cage in Vampire's Kiss (1989)

Nicolas Cage going full bonkers in Vampire’s Kiss (1989)

What the hell is Nic Cage doing? What is this accent? What is this laugh? It’s almost as bizarre as his creative choices in Peggy Sue Got Married — but that was an otherwise straight movie. This? Bizarre performance, perversely entertaining movie. Crazy Nic eating cockroaches and chasing pigeons with fake vampire teeth. The movie plays so dumb you don’t see final narrative shift coming. Vampire’s Kiss gets “smart” — and works because Cage’s highwire histrionics provides the necessary smoke and mirrors.

 

#29. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) – Stephen Hopkins

Hooptober A Nightmare on Elm Street 5

Hopkins gives this entry some flair, but the series is running on fumes. The film’s set pieces have become completely disengaged. Feel free to admire the creativity, but these sequences fail to contribute horror or forward momentum. It all feels watchable but perfunctory.

 

#30. The Church (1989) – Michele Soavi

hooptober the church (1989)

Demon hankypanky in Michele Soavi’s The Church (1989)

Overdue rewatch of a Michele Soavi classic and unofficial third act of Lamberto Bava’s Demons. Demon sex, possession, creepy gothic imagery, Keith Emerson score, young Asia Argento, and choice bits of goo. Always recommended.

 

#31. Popcorn (1991) – Mark Herrier

Hooptober Popcorn (1991)

Tom Villard tormenting Jill Schoelen in Popcorn (1991).

Would-be cult classic riffs on the same gag for 90 minutes. The homage to William Castle stunts makes for fun viewing, but it too-often wanders into (uninspired) traditional slasher territory. The best bits take place in the films within the film that make up the all-night horror marathon. As they were shot by the film’s original director, Alan Ormsby, I can’t help but think he might have had a better grasp of the offbeat tone and pacing. That said, Herrier shepherded the film to completion or maybe it wouldn’t have existed at all.

 

#32. Innocent Blood (1992) – John Landis

Robert Loggia Innocent Blood

Robert Loggia in John Landis’ Innocent Blood (1992)

My favorite part of Innocent Blood takes place when a car chase enters the Ft. Pitt tunnel but comes out on the south side of the Liberty. Robert Loggia sucking the scenery of blood as a vampire gangster makes this a winner.

 

#33. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) – Scott Glosserman

Nathan Baesel in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Nathan Baesel in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

I liked Cabin in the Woods, but this meta-horror movie actually dissects the genre *and* manages to sustain a consistently unsettling tone before unleashing its own effective slasher film. It’s about time I got around to this one considering The Cinemonster and I discussed this on the Cinema Shame podcast two years ago.

 

#34. Horror Noire (2019) – Xavier Burgin

horror noire (2019)

Straightforward, talking-heads doc about the Black American connections to the horror genre (and Hollywood as a whole). Essential viewing for horror fans — but I’m not sure it captivates the average moviewatcher without a pre-existing love for the genre.

2019 @CinemaShame / #Hooptober FINAL:

#1. Shocker (1989) // #2. Etoile (1989) // #3. The Phantom of the Opera (1989) // #4. Blacula (1972) // #5. Scream Blacula Scream (1973) // #6. Jaws: The Revenge (1987) // #7. Blood Bath (1966) // #8. Friday the 13th Part V (1985) // #9. Friday the 13th Part VI (1986) // #10. Friday the 13th Part VII (1988) // #11. Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966) // #12. Pet Sematary (1989) // #13. Eaten Alive (1976) // #14. Friday the 13th Part VIII (1989) // #15. A Bucket of Blood (1959) // #16. The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) // #17. Revenge of the Creature (1955) // #18. The Creature Walks Among Us // #19. The Mummy (1932) // #20. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) // #21. The Mummy’s Hand (1940) // #22. Captive Wild Woman (1943) // #23. The Living Idol (1957) // #24. Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971) // #25. All the Colors of the Dark (1973) // #26. Leptirica // #27. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master // #28. Vampire’s Kiss (1989) // #29. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child // #30. The Church (1989) // #31. Popcorn (1991) // #32. Innocent Blood (1992) // #33. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) // #34. Horror Noire (2019)